crossroads

ok, so....here's the problem.

Im at a point in my life where I need to make some plans. I've been a stay at home mom for 5 years now and admit I really like it. It eases the stress of juggling work and kids.

Financially I'm still ok. Like...have  just enough to get by ok..... and for the most part, I've been able to be ok with that.

I have plans to go to school in the fall and change careers to community support worker. I've learned that I'm most passionate about this field.

Here's the thing though. It doesn't pay well, the jobs are often shift work and hit and miss....and I've seen high burnout rates of others in that field. So...is it worth it?


In order to have my schooling funded through a government program, I have to be "actively looking for work"....so I still have to be looking for work in my previous field. I have an job interview this week and it's a REALLY good job. If I get it, I would be foolish not to accept it. As a Nanaimo newbie, I feel like my chances are not overly high, but certainly is worth a shot.

But here's the thing....I could probably put my life into a career. Work full time. Make money. But is it worth it? Is it worth the cost of: not seeing my kids as often (keeping in mind they do not have a Dad around), daycare costs, it would also make me ineligible for many programs I am currently using including resources for:
- free recreation passes
- free health care
- free clothing
- free food
- free summer camps etc etc.

So seriously...is it even worth it? I guess I need to decide. If all else fails, I am going to be a master at "being an Island bum". Which honestly....is not too shabby!

Shout out to this quote. Really hit home for me today. Living on the island has been such a blessing. It is so ideal to live in a place where people from the past come to vacation. It's interesting to see who is coming back into my life. And who is moving further and further away...

Exhaustion

Single Mommy alone time: adventure #1

Because he is living 12 hours away, visits with the kids are at my house. He typically shows up with about 24 hours notice and I continue to cook and clean and facilitate the visit. At the end of it I'm more burnt out than I am just on my own with the kids. After a couple of visits I realized this was not working well for me.

After a particularly nasty fight I realized that I could not be in the same house during his next visit. I needed to escape but didn't really have anyone I felt comfortable staying with and certainly didn't have the money for a hotel. Camping is big here and so I decided on really short notice I would pack up the minivan and go to a nearby campground. It was such a great experience. I found the peace and rest I needed. He has been bringing some of our belongings each time he comes and I was happy to see my camera arrived this time! It was nice to take it with me and take photos of the beauty around here. He only stayed for one night, but it was enough for me to get some mommy re-charge time. I'm looking forward to more mommy mini-van adventures, although I honestly see his visits to continue to be very rare.

My Miracle

I began counselling soon after the separation became permanent. One of the biggest ah ha moments for me was when my counsellor walked me through an exercise. She said, "I want you to close your eyes and pretend that you wake up one day and all your problems have disappeared. You feel lighter, you feel happier, you feel at peace. Everything around you is brighter and more beautiful." Then she asked me what it would take for me to get to that place. For me to experience my "miracle". I quickly realized that I already HAD! This is exactly how I felt a few days after the separation. She helped me see that my separation was infact a miracle.... This hit me hard. Isn't divorce suppose to be a dark miserable thing? Something horrible and depressing? A miracle? Yup....it is.

Well, time for something new. After 13 years of marriage, I'm in the divorce process. Honestly, I never thought I would be in this position, but I am certain it is for the best. Having the kids 99% of the time has brought me through many adventures and I felt like I needed a place to share them. So here it goes....